Chapter 1

Mama didn’t want me. She reminded me of this on a consistent basis while growing up. And as hard as I tried, nothing would change her mind. Finally, I had to make a choice: her or me.

My heels clicked against the cold tile floor of the hospital and my heart fluttered as I searched the room numbers.

I rubbed my clammy hands against my jeans and spotted the ladies’ restroom. Hurrying toward it and needing a minute before reaching her room. I pushed the door open and scanned the bathroom for anyone else. It was empty.

My purse landed with a thud on the bathroom counter. The twist of the faucet squeaked loudly as I turned the cold water on, splashed it on my cheeks, and wiped my face with a paper towel.

“Breathe,” I muttered. “She can’t hurt you anymore. You’re grown.”

My pep talk wasn’t working. Fear was gnawing at my stomach.

I reached into my bag, grabbed my powder compact, and touched up my makeup. My green eyes shone brighter against the redness left from my tears. I ran a brush through my long, blond hair and dabbed a hint of gloss on my lips, more out of habit than need.

“Let’s do this, Lacey. Suck it up,” I said, talking to my reflection. My chest tightened and then I released a slow, deep breath, heading out of the restroom and down the hall toward the ICU.

My hand trembled as I approached her room and reached for the door handle, having no idea what to expect. What would it be like, seeing her after all this time?

The door opened and closed behind me without a sound. I pulled the curtain aside and tried to comprehend what was in front of me.

The room was silent except for the rhythmic whoosh of the breathing machine. The ventilator had left its mark on Mama’s face, and her upper lip was swollen and bruised.

As I pulled the chair closer to her and sat down, I half-expected her eyes to flutter open and her lips to whisper what a bitch I was. But she lay still.

My goodbyes had been said years ago, but this was different; this was final. There were no more second chances, or third. None, ever again.

I stood up and paced around the tiny room. I should have been holding her hand and begging her to wake up so we could forgive each other, but I couldn’t. It didn’t matter how many years we’d been apart—every time I thought about her I remembered how she had cost me everything. And not once did she ever utter the words I’m sorry. In her mind, it had all been my fault.

I leaned against the wall and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. In spite of my resistance, tears pooled in my eyes.

“Are you happy now?” My voice quivered and only the sound of the ventilator responded to my question.

It amazed me how I could love her and hate her at the same time. I knew I was supposed to love and honor my parents, but how could I when she had almost cost me my life?

My mind raced with dark memories and then I realized that for the first time in my life I was minutes away from being free. Relief washed over me as the tears flowed down my cheeks. I pushed the memories away. With freedom just around the corner, I needed to say what I felt even if it was locked away deep in my heart.

I approached Mama and brushed her thin, brown hair away from her forehead. I stared at her, her image burning into every part of my mind. Her eyes were closed with no movement and there was no response to my touch. She’d already left—her body only remained breathing due to the machines.

“I’ve missed you, Mama,” I whispered. “As much as I hate you, I love you more. I wish things had been different. I wanted you to love me so badly. Maybe now you finally will.”

I kissed her forehead and stepped back, wondering if death would finish the job quickly. Knowing Mama, she would hold on as long as she could to capture everyone’s attention for her grand finale. The doctor thought it wouldn’t take any longer than a few hours for her body to stop breathing on its own. I hoped it would happen sooner.

A moment later, I left Mama’s room and walked down the hall to the ICU waiting room. My older sister Krissy, the golden child, was leaning against the wall as she stared out the window.

“Krissy,” I said, approaching her.

She turned toward me, her eyes rimmed with redness. We stared at each other for a few moments, and then I nodded.

“Lacey, are you sure? You don’t need any more time?” Krissy asked.

“I’m sure.”

She pushed herself off the wall, wiped her eyes, and turned away to find the doctor. It was time to disconnect the machine.

With my goodbyes said, I walked toward the exit to the hospital. I burst through the sliding doors and came to a quick stop as the fragrance of the spring rain filled my nose. The walkway was lined with bright green grass and an abundance of red and pink tulips. The last drops of rain slid off the tree leaves as I breathed it all in. It was breathtaking.

I was finally free.

Chapter 2

Twenty years earlier, September 1988

It was my favorite day of the week: Friday. Classes were over, homework was finished, and I was minutes away from clocking out at work. The party had been planned at our student center during the first week of college, and by week three, we were ready.

Jocelyn’s mom didn’t care if we partied at her house; in fact, she said she preferred to keep an eye on us since most of us were eighteen and nineteen. She figured if we were going to drink we should be somewhere safe, and we didn’t want our parents to find out. That was the ultimate downfall of attending the local community college—most of us still lived at home.

I knew if Mama found out, there would be hell to pay. It didn’t matter if I drank or not; just being there would get me put on lockdown. That’s why I usually spent the night with Jocelyn.

Mama somehow knew more about my private life than I did. She said God talked to her. Although it was irritating when God ratted me out, I secretly wished he would talk to me a little bit too.

The time clock punched my card, which read Jack’s Department Store in bold letters across the top. I replaced it in the time card holder and said goodbye to my coworkers as I made my way down the employee hall and out the back of the store. Car lights shone in my face as Jocelyn honked her horn. I waved as she pulled around the parking lot. The backseat of her maroon Camaro was filled with giggling friends as I slid into the passenger seat.

“Hey, Lacey!” they all chimed.

“Hey, y’all. I’m so glad I’m done working. Oh my God, if I had to listen to one more whiny child in the store I swear I was going to smack the hell out of someone.”

“I have no clue how you do it all. You work, go to school, edit the college paper, and still find time to party on the weekends,” Tammy said.

“I wouldn’t call watching you fools get drunk partying, but I do love hanging out with you, especially when the guys show,” I said.

“One of these nights we’re going to get you so drunk! No more of this, ‘no thank you’ shit,” Tammy chided. “What’s your reason for not drinking again?”

“My reason? I like my teeth in my mouth and not scattered across the floor,” I replied. “My mom would beat my ass.” My jaw clenched at Tammy’s constant nagging.

“Y’all leave Lacey alone,” Jocelyn said. “If she doesn’t want to drink, she doesn’t need to. Just because y’all are drunks doesn’t mean she needs to be lying on the floor next to you.” She laughed, her blue eyes dancing as she glanced at me.

Jocelyn—we all called her “Joss”—had a way of smiling even while putting you in your place. She spoke with a soft, sweet voice even when she was pissed, but she didn’t have a mean bone in her body. It was the opposite, actually—she made sure no one got too crazy and would even hold your hair back if you were puking. She was the glue that held us together.

However, it was her downfall too, being a mom to us. She rarely stopped to have fun herself. Once you became friends with her you realized she’d been the parent from a young age. She not only took care of her mom and brother, but she dealt with her mom’s drunk boyfriends on top of it. She often stepped in and told them to leave when they got physical.

Joss could’ve had a bad attitude about a lot of things, but she didn’t. She embraced the people she loved and held them close. Thank God I was one of them.

We turned onto the road to Joss’s house, and the cars filled both sides of the long driveway. She lived a few miles off the main road, so there wasn’t much concern about the cops showing up. A house full of loud music and underage drinkers was a cop’s wet dream.

Everyone filed out of the car, chattering a mile a minute about which guys were supposed to show and who called dibs on them. I loved them; they were my friends, but sometimes the competition got stupid. Joss and I usually kicked back and laughed at what asses they made of themselves to get laid. Joss kept her legs closed unless she was in a committed relationship, and I still held the V title among most of my friends. Eighteen, in college, and a virgin, but it was my choice. I hadn’t met anyone that I loved enough to let it go, and the other reasons were, well, nothing I had ever shared with anyone before. Some secrets you just didn’t share.

We all went into Joss’s cozy house. I followed Tammy into the kitchen and settled in at the table.

“Here ya go,” Tammy said as she plunked a Diet Coke on the kitchen table in front of me. “I give you shit, but I love ya.”

“You can be a bitch sometimes, Tammy, but you have my back when I need it,” I said, grinning and enjoying giving her a hard time. My can clinked against her glass full of rum and Coke and drank up to friendship.

Our toast was interrupted by a loud noise in the living room.

“What the hell was that?” Tammy said, turning and running out of the kitchen. The commotion was so loud that I had to follow her. Guys, about six of them, laughing and hollering entered Joss’s living room. Several of them were already drunk.

We stood in the dining room doorway and waited to see if more were coming.

“Oh my God! They’re all hot!” Tammy elbowed me excitedly in the side.

“I’m lookin’, give me a minute,” I said as I peered around her.

They were so loud that I hadn’t heard Joss approach us from behind.

“I hate to break up your ogling fest you two, but Lacey, your mom is on the phone. You can take it in my room so she can’t hear the party.”

“You’re kidding right?”

“Wish I was, but she really is on the phone,” Joss said.

“Shit,” I muttered and slipped through the kitchen and family room to avoid the crowd. I closed her bedroom door to seal out the noise of the growing crowd and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Lacey, it’s Patsy, you need to come home.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s your mama. Just come home.”

“Patsy, is she okay? Is she sick? You gotta give me something,” I said. My stomach tightened as I remembered the last time Patsy asked me to come home.

“We can get her through this; we just need to work together.”

“Okay, okay, I’m on my way.”

“Thank you,” Patsy said.

I didn’t bother saying goodbye. My eyes squeezed shut while I hung up the phone and released a harsh breath. Nothing good ever came out of those calls. I grabbed my purse and jacket and asked Joss for a ride back to my car.

The party had tripled in a less than an hour. The obnoxious but gorgeous group of guys stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by the majority of the girls at the party. I navigated my way through the crowd, and just before I reached the front door, an unfamiliar hand tugged at my arm. Turning slowly, I melted on the spot. The most piercing blue eyes greeted me.

“Are you leaving?” he asked.

“Yeah, family emergency,” I said.

“Well shit, that sucks—I’d hoped I would get to talk to you tonight. What’s your name?”

“Lacey. Yours?” I tilted my head and waited for his response.

“Walker. Are you coming back?” he asked as his mouth curved into a smile.

The combination of his blue eyes and smile sent me into a mental tailspin. If a guy could be hot, beautiful, and breathtaking all at once, he was it.

“I doubt it.” My brows knitted together. I couldn’t believe my dumb luck.

He reached over to the coffee table, grabbed a pen and paper, and wrote something on it.

“Here’s my number,” he said and handed it to me. “Call me. Please.”

I glanced at it to make sure a phone number was really written down, and that it wasn’t a joke.

“Gotta go, Walker. Thanks for your number,” I said, turning toward the door. My pulse quickened, and I chanced a quick look over my shoulder to find him staring at me. He attempted a sheepish smile and waved. I couldn’t help but smile in return.

The warm air clung to my skin as Joss and I walked to her car. Even though fall lingered around the corner, it couldn’t get here fast enough. I hated the Arkansas heat. I also hated the mosquitoes that were big enough to carry a small child away.

Joss opened her car door and grinned at me from ear to ear.

“What was that all about?” she asked as we slid into our seats.

“He gave me his number. It’s probably his grandpa’s, but hey, I got a number.” I half-shrugged and smiled.

“Uh huh,” Joss said as a lopsided grin spread across her face. She knew darned well I hoped differently.

“You gonna call him? If you don’t, I will,” she said as her car roared to life.

“You’re full of crap, Joss. You wouldn’t do that to me.”

“I don’t know, that was the hottest guy I’ve ever seen.”

“I can’t disagree with you, but for now, I need to deal with Mama.”

“Did she say why she wanted you home?”

“No, it was Patsy who called, so that means something’s up,” I said, rubbing my forehead.

“You do realize you’re eighteen, right? You don’t need to run home whenever she says to.”

“Wish it were that simple.”

Joss knew when to let it go, and we rode in silence until she pulled up to my car.

The mall was dark and empty and my car was the only one in the parking lot. It creeped me out a little that no one else was around. I knew mall security was inside, but that didn’t help me out any.

“Thanks, Joss, I really appreciate it.” I reached across the seat and gave her a hug. “Enjoy the rest of the party.”

“Don’t worry, Lacey, I’ll throw more parties,” she said. Her nose crinkled as she smiled. I loved her smile. That smile made life a little better because you knew you had a good friend.

“I’ll wait to make sure your car starts.”

“Thanks, Joss,” I said as I closed her car door.